How To Hold A Heavy Heart

I know what it´s like to have and hold a heavy heart.

I have experienced a great deal of grief in my life, and for me, it always shows up like a cannonball in my chest, heavy and hard.

 

But in recent years, I have had a different kind of heavy heart. 

I developed a case of pericarditis, or the inflammation of the lining of the heart.

Most cases of pericarditis heal within a couple of weeks.

But not the kind I had.

 

 

You see, mine started within minutes of receiving my third COVID shot.

 

Wait! This post is NOT about the safety of vaccines.

 

I have had all of mine, my kids have had all of theirs, my grandchildren are fully immunized...all without a hint of a problem until that last one for me.

 

But, as it turns out, there are many people around the world who developed pericarditis and its even more serious cousin, myocarditis, after receiving this immunization. (You may remember news about football players experiencing cardiac arrest, even caught on video, but then things got quiet quickly.)

 

In my case, I felt a squeezing in my chest before I even left the Rite-Aid parking lot. I thought it was anxiety (I don´t like getting shots, especially in public) and went home to rest.

It did not get better.

In fact, it got much worse.

 

But I was visiting the U.S. for a few weeks (I was living in Argentina at the time) and wanted to avoid going to a doctor.

I kept thinking it would fade.

Then, I did a Google search about chest pain after a Moderna shot, which led me to a list of related groups on Facebook.

 

Despite my hesitation (I had stepped away from Facebook months earlier), I dove in. And what I found were THOUSANDS of people talking about their cases of developing sudden serious health conditions (including pericarditis, myocarditis, and many more) right after getting a COVID vaccine.

 

Some had relatively minor cases, requiring only a few months(!) to heal.

Others were life-threatening and/or permanent.

And I was shocked to learn that many people had died.

 

Now, I did not want to believe a word of it.

I became as harsh a judge as I could possibly be.

I was ruthless in my scrutiny.

 

I looked up those who posted on other social media platforms.

I cross-checked everyone. I reached out in the DMs.

They all appeared to be real people, sharing real experiences, and facing real consequences.

 

They were shunned. Forced to suffer. Fired. Bankrupted.

 

The sheer volume of the heartbreaking photos and posts was too much to ignore.

And I knew that for every person who spoke out, there were many others who were not sharing their stories publicly.

 

I knew this because I was one of the ones staying silent, just hoping to heal quietly without risking my relationships or reputation.

 

I chose to bear the added weight of feeling cowardly and ashamed rather than expose myself to the vicious accusations by—and it pains me to say this—my fellow Democrats insisting any injury was a false claim by an anti-vaxxer.

 

I was grieving for our collective suffering, enraged by our betrayal, and battling my own guilt.

This did not help my symptoms.

But I got swept up in the stories of my peers.

They lost jobs. Health insurance. Homes.

They were shunned by their loved ones.

Marriages ended.

Many suffered alone, without a single person who believed them, let alone cared for them.

 

There were suicides. ¨Lost his battle.¨ ¨Finally at peace.¨

Pleas to hang on. ¨The truth will come out soon.¨ ¨They will find a treatment.¨

Nearly every post mentioned a doctor who denied any connection to the shots.

 

I saw clear and consistent evidence that posts were deleted by Facebook unless code words were used to avoid the ones targeted for removal.

 

Worst of all were the stories of children and teenagers.

I witnessed (and corresponded with) over a dozen parents bravely posting on their personal accounts about their child´s terrible condition, only to be tormented relentlessly online by trolls who called them grifters and former friends who accused them of becoming conspiracy theorists.

 

All of this was extremely disheartening. I had to stop reading.

 

Though I was grateful to find out that this was not all in my head, I was devastated to hear of so many who were suffering far worse than I was.

 

There was no reliable treatment. Few doctors would prescribe anything for the pain. There was no prognosis, because all of us had continued with severe symptoms long after typical pericarditis cases were healed.

 

 

Then, one morning, I woke up feeling like my heart was in a vise. For several long seconds, I could not move or breathe. I saw black. Though it stopped within a minute, it terrified me.

 

I went to Urgent Care, and got an EKG. The doctor said I had experienced a cardiac event, and needed to go to the ER immediately.

 

I considered myself lucky to be near a well-respected teaching hospital with a prestigious cardiology unit.

 

I spent several hours in the ER, waiting to be seen. Two kind women doctors took images of my heart and said it showed clear signs of damage. (¨A blowout,¨ as one described it.)

 

While I waited for further test results, I rested on a gurney in a room with several other patients.

Eventually, a team of five male doctors in white coats appeared. They were downright jovial, joking and laughing.

The leader said, and I quote:

¨We have a lot of people coming in with chest pain. There are all kinds of reasons for it. Most of the time, we just don´t know the cause. We have a lot of young men, some just 16 or 17, coming in. We have to tell them it´s ´growing pains´. It´s just one of those things.¨

 

 

This was appalling. I was well aware that the population most affected by these vaccination-induced heart conditions was adolescent boys and young men!

I was too shocked to protest. They sent me home without a diagnosis, prescription, or treatment plan.

 

Then I learned that just a couple of months earlier, California (where I was) had passed legislation that would make it a punishable offense (including termination, lost medical license, and a fine) for any physician to suggest that a COVID vaccine might be the cause of any medical issue.

Punishable offense. This was the response in a blue state.

 

A couple of months later, due to the undeniable number of patients with similar complications that were showing up in hospitals and the physicians who were no longer willing to lie, the legislation was overturned.

Then, I received a hospital bill for $19,000.

 

I contested it, pointing out that the legislation guiding the doctors´ atrocious behavior at that time had been overturned, indicating it had been reconsidered and determined to be punitive for physicians and patients alike. I threatened to go public.

 

The entire bill was cancelled and dismissed without comment.

 

 

 

Listen, I am not a paranoid person.

I have never been a conspiracy theorist.

I have put my trust in doctors for myself and my family.

But that experience opened my eyes.

 

 

Thankfully, within six months, I was feeling fine.

 

I continued to visit the Facebook groups to check in and offer support, but it was heartbreaking. I got better, but so many others got worse.

Some survivors are still unable to live a normal life.

 

 

As this experience receded into the background, another hardship endured but not forgotten, I made a promise to myself.

I swore on my wounded heart that if I ever found myself once again recognizing a harmful false narrative, I would not remain silent.

 

I am keeping that promise by speaking the hard truth about what is happening in terms of collapse related to climate, war, fascism, and other realities.

 

 

So, what did I learn, besides the fact that things are not always as they seem or as we want to believe?

I learned how to hold my heavy heart by believing the brave people who were willing to share their stories about theirs, even when it put them at risk of being dismissed, deleted, or disowned.

 

I will never again make the mistake of assuming that those in power have our best interests in mind.

But us? We, the people, together? Speaking out courageously so that we can find each other, offer support. and build resilience?

That is something I believe in with all my heart.

 

 

Here´s the part I want you to remember:

Those Facebook groups? They were made up of both Democrats and Republicans. Liberals and conservatives.

They included those who had been out there knocking on doors, convincing all their friends and neighbors to get vaccinated. (They are horrified.)

And there were those who had resisted getting the shots, but were forced to do so in order to keep their jobs and feed their families. (They are pissed.)

 

It did not matter what our politics were. All of us were harmed, and all of us were consoling each other, offering real care and compassion on our darkest days.

 

This is what helps me imagine that we could all come together again in our shared anguish to find a way forward together.

 

It is what inspired me to help women around the world (all pro bono) who were struggling with their grief during COVID. Yes, some had lost parents or partners to the virus, but the truth is that there were many who were suffering from vaccine-related conditions (or had kids who were) and related shaming.

 

After that, I chose to walk with those struggling with the burden of collapse awareness. It felt familiar: I knew their heavy hearts, their fear of going public and risking their relationships and reputation.

I share my story today with the hope that it might help you feel less alone.

 

 

PROMPT:

As we face the heaviness of the world, I invite you to hold your heart with tenderness, and pledge to:

*pay attention to your body and what it is telling you

*talk to someone you trust, and be honest about how you are feeling

*believe those who have been harmed by policies

*do your own research to the best of your ability

*trust your intuition, especially when it goes against the prevailing narrative

 

Whew! Thanks for hanging in there. I so appreciate you.