This qualitative case study combines a summary of the recurring patterns I observed with excerpts from Cara's reflections, shared with permission. It concludes with questions to consider.

As part of my ongoing research in how attention, longing, imagination, participation, habits, and habitats interact, it offers insight into ways of creating more alignment, connection, and meaning.  

PATTERN SNAPSHOT

Presenting Situation
Self-blame after her divorce, as well as anger, guilt and grief as her in-laws and some of her friends withdrew rather than offered support. 

Longing
To accept her divorce, stop blaming herself, and build a new life with friends and activities that she had longed to participate in over the course of her life.

Attention Shift
Started recognizing how much she had done for her sons over the years, and how proud she was of them and herself for getting through the divorce without too much disruption.

First Experiment
Reaching out to a divorced colleague at work, and having a fulfilling conversation with her.

Emerging Habits
Joined an exercise class she had been wanting to try. Signed up for a new choir that was forming.

Habitat Changes 

Focused on noticing what she felt proud of and opportunities to connect with new people, especially other women who are divorced.

OUTCOME After 30 Days
Greater clarity about herself and her longings. Acceptance of her role in the divorce. Relief and confidence in her role as a single parent. Forgiving herself for past mistakes. Excitement about new possibilities for friendship and fun activities.

PERSONAL REFLECTIONS

The following are excerpts from Cara's comments during the first 30 days.

Day 0 (before the first live online session):

“I feel like I’ve been wearing blinders for thirty years, just looking straight ahead without really seeing what I truly wanted.

But I need to stop berating myself, and focus on the good things in my life."

Day 4:
“Taking a look at the longing I inherited from my family has been surprising, but seeing how I have avoided what I actually longed for was a real eye-opener. I never allowed myself to examine why I was making the choices I was, or considered the fact that I was free to make different ones.

Because of my ex-husband’s extensive work travel, it never made sense for me to get a job. We played our roles, and all the while, he was unhappy and I was too exhausted to lift my head up and look around at what was missing in our lives.”

Day 8:
“It’s been so helpful to really notice how well I have been doing. I feel such a sense of pride. My sons are kind, loving, and funny, and truly the joy of my life. I am holding that rather than focusing on mistakes I've made.

Day 14: 
“I am loving my work lately! This process is helping me see things in a different light. One of my colleagues (different department) has been divorced (with kids) for a couple of years, so I reached out to her. We had the best lunchtime conversation!

And I joined that dance class I mentioned! Definitely sore today, but it was a lot of fun."

Day 30:  
"Recognizing my longing for acceptance of the divorce has helped me let go of my anger, grief, and guilt.

And I am applying that acceptance to my anger/grief/guilt about the state of the world, too, as well as the loss of some old friendships.

I am choosing to notice the love and joy, feel grateful, and support those who show up.

And I finally went out with my divorced colleague and two of her divorced friends. It was like food for my soul! Can't wait for the next outing."