Reflections on Suburban Parenting

I’ve gotten into a little trouble this past week in Portland.

You see, I spent most of my life in this part of Oregon. I’ve lived in a new 1960s subdivision, a rural area (three miles on a gravel road outside a town with a population of 325), a small town (population 13,000), and a sprawling suburban area (Tanasbourne/Rock Creek).

This week, I’ve been meeting with a variety of parents and others interested in my book, The New Global Student. And I have made a special effort to spend time in the suburban area in which we lived prior to our departure from the U.S. in 2005.

It’s been quite striking to note the differences between:
** the urban parents I talked to during our month-long stay in New York/Boston in May/June
**the small-town parents I talked to at a large conference in Michigan for parents and their sons and daughters who were leaving for/returning from an exchange year abroad
**the suburban parents I am meeting this week

And though this is by no means based on extensive research of any kind–just what I’m getting from the many conversations I’ve had lately–it is clear that parents in each of these three groups have very different concerns about their kids.

The urban parents were focused on helping their kids get a good education, making sure they are challenged both academically and personally, and giving their kids opportunities to meet a range of people and have unique and interesting experiences.

The small-town parents of exchange students were thrilled and also terrified about giving their kids the chance to live abroad for a year. Some of these parents had never been on a plane themselves, and almost all of the students were going abroad for the very first time. What struck me about these parents was their willingness to work through their fear in order to give their kids a great advantage and a better future.

And the suburban parents? They were concerned about how to keep their kids safe and happy on the road to college. Most were very reluctant to consider a high school exchange or even study abroad for their college-age kids. They did not see the advantage of sending kids outside their comfort zone and expressed discomfort about how a decision to veer off the traditional (accepted) path might open them up to criticism from friends and family members.

Having lived in the suburbs myself as a parent of teenagers, I recognize the conformity that characterizes the suburban lifestyle. And though I expected that parents in general would be resistant to offering their kids a range of educational choices, I had not anticipated such a clear distinction between the suburban parents and their big-city and small-town peers.

In the book, I talk about how fear and ego (I call it “fego”) prevent us from being the best parents we can be. When we have fear about letting go or allow our ego to guide our decisions (rather than focusing on what’s truly best for our kids), we severely limit our students’ options and therefore their chances to seize their most thrilling and fulfilling opportunities in the future.

I’m not saying everyone should flee the suburbs like we did. Our exodus was less about what we were leaving behind and more about what we were moving TOWARD. There are plenty of compelling reasons to choose suburbia as a wonderful place to raise a family. But it alarmed me to see the way that fear and ego are shaping the lives of suburban kids.

No matter where you live or what kind of lifestyle you embrace, you have a responsibility as a parent to prepare your kids for the future. They will not have the same lifestyle that you have had–they are growing up and coming of age in a different era. Parents need to release their fear and ego long enough to see that what their kids need is opportunities to develop confidence, critical thinking skills and compassion. Whether they go abroad or not, our sons and daughters need a set of global skills that will enable them to work in a range of settings with people from diverse backgrounds. They will
need to communicate in more than one language and be comfortable in circumstances that are new to them.

I’ve been interviewed for several newspapers this week, and I have found that my tone is becoming more strident, that my own concern and frustration are causing me to sound an alarm. I am fully aware that most of those who are complacent are perfectly happy and I have absolutely no right to judge or fix or coerce them to do anything.

But shouldn’t we as a culture and a nation see that it’s not just our low-income inner-city kids who are at risk of not maximizing their potential–that this is a very real risk for our suburban kids as well?

My heart is full of compassion for ALL parents and students. We’re all doing the best we can. But this week, I find myself wanting to reach out to those in the cul-de-sacs and SUVs and shake them by their shoulders. I lived there. I lived it. I know how it affects the decisions we make for our kids and understand how comfort, convenience and conformity don’t help our teenagers develop the skills they need to thrive as young adults in an ever-changing world.

And I know how making some simple and very affordable changes–without moving from away from the home you love–
can transform our sons and daughters and expand exponentially their opportunities for an exhilarating future.

Talking about this gets me into trouble, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

Tagged as: Add new tag, AP, creativity training, education, global education, high school, Maya Frost, parenting, The New Global Student